Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Vindicated and Validated


 

A child born in sin but with intentions so true

Listening to what is taught and believing it

Honor and obey your parents

And listen to all they say

Devotion and a desire so strong to please

But failing at every turn.

Looking to you both for comfort and hugs

But you turn away too busy

Anger so fierce and strong as you tower over me

Not just one of you but two

A force too strong for my young soul

Believing every word you say

Branded forever in my soul

I never knew I was so bad

My heart told me another story

My mind thought I was just playing

Curious I wanted to explore

Never did I mean to be bad

But that was all you saw when you looked at me

Shame filled me and never left.

Sorry and destroyed I looked to you wondering

If I would ever be accepted again.

The answer would show itself to be a no.

If only I could go back to age three and never sin

Then I could be part of the family again

But I grew older and never perfect

Seeing once again as you turn your backs on me

Hands as hard as iron slap my cheeks

Shock rings through my body as my mind spins

What did I do wrong?

I laughed and joked with cousins

While you prayed in the next room

I had not realized you were praying.

I love God too! I did not mean to be disrespectful.

Maybe you warned us of your sacred prayer

But I didn’t hear

Too this day your slap rings on my soul

Remembrance of the shame that followed

As you simply walked away justified

Alone in a crowd as they stare and witness

The humiliation, followed by a billion more

Swallowing the memories bitterly

In dismay realizing it never goes away

There is more disgrace, more slaps

Throws, hitting, belts, and yanks.

Raising my voice in dismay, will you see my pain?

NO! In rage all you care about is the tone of my voice

And tell me I am being disrespectful

NO! That is not what was in my heart

But you refuse me

Why are you so angry with me?

You say you are not but your tone

And actions say another thing.

What? Do not read into anything?

Don’t read into your actions?

But that is what you have done,

What I have been shown as part of communication.

But you use this and other things to keep me off balance

I didn’t realize it when I was young,

Though I knew something was not right.

You too advantage of me when I was young.

Please see I need you

Pushed away in your wrath  

More burdens slammed onto me

And in confusion and much dismay you get away with it.

Weary already with this life I press on

Racking my brain how to survive all by myself

Using humor as a means.

Somewhat successful, I am encouraged

Seeing your kindness towards others I hope for some myself

Reaching out to you once again

When life has become too hard in school, church, every day.

In courage I share with you

Opening my heart to something else that hurt me

Surly this time you will put your arms around me

And tell me you are sorry that those people did that

That something bad happened,

And that you will stand with me

And help me to be strong and encourage me

But I am told I misunderstand

I am too sensitive. I am wrong.

You tell me one of these things or a combination.

Always, it is that. I am never vindicated or validated.

Hatred for myself has already been planted in me

It grows with every one of your words that tells me

Fingers point with hard voices

FORGIVE OR YOU WILL NOT BE FORGIVEN

Why did I come to you?

Because I believed you when

In a rare show of surface concern

You invited me to share.

Having this phrase of forgiveness

Thrust at me with faces hard and unmoving

Brought more guilt.

Excuses became reasons for my pain

Always someone is justified

That someone mainly you.

Lost and alone I push away

The unbidden truth that stings

Showing me that this is wrong

As I have read in the Bible

Your actions do not match what you preach

But you won’t listen

Tossing more anguish at me you see the pain

Reflected in my face and you turn away

I’m on my own

Do you not love me? I cannot endure this

I have to keep going

I cannot believe this

But every time I needed you and came to you

I was pushed away

Lectured with impatience

Scoffed at for my feelings

Rebuked for speaking my mind

I should know better

That’s what you told me

Believing you I grew up believing I was wrong

Ignoring the times I saw you freely expressing

Anger fear pain and sorrow at what life tossed your way

But unlike me

You were allowed and understood by others.

I could not handle the reality of betrayal for that is what it was

Unable to bear it I could not even identify the emotions and pain I bore

But I saw you knew and never reaching to help me

I was on my own

My struggles in school and life

I could not figure out.

Others saw that I had been kicked

And I was down and joined in.

Wishing to have a moment with you

Or any adult to help me

But the same faces would be before me

Embarrassment to be seen with me

Unwillingness and impatience

Sometimes casting words of semi helpfulness

I snatched them up like a dog

Eating crumbs fallen from a finely dressed table.

A greedy beggar I snatched them up and hoped.

 

Words against me shoot like guns ripping through my soul

Sending shock pain bewilderment through me

My internal info had told me you would understand

Had I not seen relatable cases with you, others, in stories?

I have seen you understand others with less.

But alone I am beaten with words too heavy to bear.

I have betrayed myself.

Your eyes lit up victoriously when you see me fall

Words still come unrelenting repeating phrases of my worthlessness.

In the past you have told me I was exaggerating. I was not.

The few times I came close to getting you to see I needed you

And that you were hurting me

More words and a different tactic were used.

“Others are in more pain then you!”

And

“People suffer worse around the world!”

Dismay rang out and more betrayal for you know as I do

How often I have mourned for

And came to you again, with the sadness I felt.

To you I turned for answers

But in a matter of fact voice

You would always tell me there was nothing I could do.

What? Surely there was something that could be done.

Don’t you tell me how wise you are?

I believed you.

To have that and other statements thrown unfairly at me

Tells me you hate me.

For how can a person do that to someone they love?

Feeling helpless in every situation is a horrible place to be

Beaten down but hardly acknowledged

It’s almost better that way

For when I was acknowledged for who I was

And how I felt, it would be treated with contempt.

As the years passed and my body grew

 Other torments surfaced.

With threats so vile

A whispered voice told me not to make a noise, not to move.

Hands hurt the soft parts, leaving bruises

Screams threatened to rip my throat as pain

Sharp and terrible racked my body.

Oh, God save me, I am sorry!

Never will I tell of the dark shame that covers me.

Different from any other shame it’s ugliness too hard to bare.

Turning to books and watching the stories told in movies and other media

I found the examples of what I wanted to be.

Alone I attempted to be what was good and brave

But you showed me I failed at every turn.

Life sucks, you would say indifferently to me

When once again I would foolishly crawl to you for ANY means of support

At times my anger would explode

Then have to bare the harsh rebuke and awful threats

That shot my way

Never a hug or a word of sincere kindness

Please someone help.

I turn to the pastor

I turn to the therapist

Pastor says my parents are gracious and understanding

They are allowed to be human

But I never said they weren’t allowed.

But it was shown and taught to me

And I had to live not being allowed that

My therapist asked if I was high strung

She told me to be grateful

More shame fills me

As I thought I was grateful for what I had

Little as it was.

Did I not ever express it?

I thought I had

But once again I am shown that I have failed.

Why live?

You can’t have everything, the therapist said.

All I want to do is be accepted by the few around me

To give love and to receive love, to do good to others

But all I can offer is filth and much like a dirty torn rag

You are privileged, my dad says.

I am wrong, twisted vile thing

Barely resembling a human

Never will I be able to rise from the dust,

Your boots to heavy on my broken back.

God please no more.
 
 
*This is a messy "poem" that will most likely make no sense to anyone but me. I am sorry about that. Ij ust needed to write it.

Monday, April 8, 2013

Leave Me Alone

At this point I really don't care if this "poem" flows or not. I'm still going to post it and not make it fancy or anything.


Just go away

Leave me alone

I’m tired of seeking you out

Just to be ignored

For all my hard work

Is never enough

I’ll never amount to much

It’s plain to see

Your brightness was what drew me to you

But you knew I was nothing

Just another adoring fan

A wanna be friend

But clearly my mind

Could never reach

The heights of which you flew

And your talent so rare

And lovely as a jewel

Brought others to you

More glamorous and lovely then I

Mediocre is the best I will be

So easy to be snubbed

By the people in your circle

So off I go

To be alone

So leave me alone

As you have been doing

I’m just one less fan

Among a throng

I won’t even be missed

But I will miss you all.