A child born in sin but with intentions so true
Listening to what is taught and believing it
Honor and obey your parents
And listen to all they say
Devotion and a desire so strong to please
But failing at every turn.
Looking to you both for comfort and hugs
But you turn away too busy
Anger so fierce and strong as you tower over me
Not just one of you but two
A force too strong for my young soul
Believing every word you say
Branded forever in my soul
I never knew I was so bad
My heart told me another story
My mind thought I was just playing
Curious I wanted to explore
Never did I mean to be bad
But that was all you saw when you looked at me
Shame filled me and never left.
Sorry and destroyed I looked to you wondering
If I would ever be accepted again.
The answer would show itself to be a no.
If only I could go back to age three and never sin
Then I could be part of the family again
But I grew older and never perfect
Seeing once again as you turn your backs on me
Hands as hard as iron slap my cheeks
Shock rings through my body as my mind spins
What did I do wrong?
I laughed and joked with cousins
While you prayed in the next room
I had not realized you were praying.
I love God too! I did not mean to be disrespectful.
Maybe you warned us of your sacred prayer
But I didn’t hear
Too this day your slap rings on my soul
Remembrance of the shame that followed
As you simply walked away justified
Alone in a crowd as they stare and witness
The humiliation, followed by a billion more
Swallowing the memories bitterly
In dismay realizing it never goes away
There is more disgrace, more slaps
Throws, hitting, belts, and yanks.
Raising my voice in dismay, will you see my pain?
NO! In rage all you care about is the tone of my voice
And tell me I am being disrespectful
NO! That is not what was in my heart
But you refuse me
Why are you so angry with me?
You say you are not but your tone
And actions say another thing.
What? Do not read into anything?
Don’t read into your actions?
But that is what you have done,
What I have been shown as part of communication.
But you use this and other things to keep me off balance
I didn’t realize it when I was young,
Though I knew something was not right.
You too advantage of me when I was young.
Please see I need you
Pushed away in your wrath
More burdens slammed onto me
And in confusion and much dismay you get away with it.
Weary already with this life I press on
Racking my brain how to survive all by myself
Using humor as a means.
Somewhat successful, I am encouraged
Seeing your kindness towards others I hope for some myself
Reaching out to you once again
When life has become too hard in school, church, every day.
In courage I share with you
Opening my heart to something else that hurt me
Surly this time you will put your arms around me
And tell me you are sorry that those people did that
That something bad happened,
And that you will stand with me
And help me to be strong and encourage me
But I am told I misunderstand
I am too sensitive. I am wrong.
You tell me one of these things or a combination.
Always, it is that. I am never vindicated or validated.
Hatred for myself has already been planted in me
It grows with every one of your words that tells me
Fingers point with hard voices
FORGIVE OR YOU WILL NOT BE FORGIVEN
Why did I come to you?
Because I believed you when
In a rare show of surface concern
You invited me to share.
Having this phrase of forgiveness
Thrust at me with faces hard and unmoving
Brought more guilt.
Excuses became reasons for my pain
Always someone is justified
That someone mainly you.
Lost and alone I push away
The unbidden truth that stings
Showing me that this is wrong
As I have read in the Bible
Your actions do not match what you preach
But you won’t listen
Tossing more anguish at me you see the pain
Reflected in my face and you turn away
I’m on my own
Do you not love me? I cannot endure this
I have to keep going
I cannot believe this
But every time I needed you and came to you
I was pushed away
Lectured with impatience
Scoffed at for my feelings
Rebuked for speaking my mind
I should know better
That’s what you told me
Believing you I grew up believing I was wrong
Ignoring the times I saw you freely expressing
Anger fear pain and sorrow at what life tossed your way
But unlike me
You were allowed and understood by others.
I could not handle the reality of betrayal for that is what it was
Unable to bear it I could not even identify the emotions and pain I bore
But I saw you knew and never reaching to help me
I was on my own
My struggles in school and life
I could not figure out.
Others saw that I had been kicked
And I was down and joined in.
Wishing to have a moment with you
Or any adult to help me
But the same faces would be before me
Embarrassment to be seen with me
Unwillingness and impatience
Sometimes casting words of semi helpfulness
I snatched them up like a dog
Eating crumbs fallen from a finely dressed table.
A greedy beggar I snatched them up and hoped.
Words against me shoot like guns ripping through my soul
Sending shock pain bewilderment through me
My internal info had told me you would understand
Had I not seen relatable cases with you, others, in stories?
I have seen you understand others with less.
But alone I am beaten with words too heavy to bear.
I have betrayed myself.
Your eyes lit up victoriously when you see me fall
Words still come unrelenting repeating phrases of my worthlessness.
In the past you have told me I was exaggerating. I was not.
The few times I came close to getting you to see I needed you
And that you were hurting me
More words and a different tactic were used.
“Others are in more pain then you!”
“People suffer worse around the world!”
Dismay rang out and more betrayal for you know as I do
How often I have mourned for
And came to you again, with the sadness I felt.
To you I turned for answers
But in a matter of fact voice
You would always tell me there was nothing I could do.
What? Surely there was something that could be done.
Don’t you tell me how wise you are?
I believed you.
To have that and other statements thrown unfairly at me
Tells me you hate me.
For how can a person do that to someone they love?
Feeling helpless in every situation is a horrible place to be
Beaten down but hardly acknowledged
It’s almost better that way
For when I was acknowledged for who I was
And how I felt, it would be treated with contempt.
As the years passed and my body grew
Other torments surfaced.
With threats so vile
A whispered voice told me not to make a noise, not to move.
Hands hurt the soft parts, leaving bruises
Screams threatened to rip my throat as pain
Sharp and terrible racked my body.
Oh, God save me, I am sorry!
Never will I tell of the dark shame that covers me.
Different from any other shame it’s ugliness too hard to bare.
Turning to books and watching the stories told in movies and other media
I found the examples of what I wanted to be.
Alone I attempted to be what was good and brave
But you showed me I failed at every turn.
Life sucks, you would say indifferently to me
When once again I would foolishly crawl to you for ANY means of support
At times my anger would explode
Then have to bare the harsh rebuke and awful threats
That shot my way
Never a hug or a word of sincere kindness
Please someone help.
I turn to the pastor
I turn to the therapist
Pastor says my parents are gracious and understanding
They are allowed to be human
But I never said they weren’t allowed.
But it was shown and taught to me
And I had to live not being allowed that
My therapist asked if I was high strung
She told me to be grateful
More shame fills me
As I thought I was grateful for what I had
Little as it was.
Did I not ever express it?
I thought I had
But once again I am shown that I have failed.
You can’t have everything, the therapist said.
All I want to do is be accepted by the few around me
To give love and to receive love, to do good to others
But all I can offer is filth and much like a dirty torn rag
You are privileged, my dad says.
I am wrong, twisted vile thing
Barely resembling a human
Never will I be able to rise from the dust,
Your boots to heavy on my broken back.
God please no more.
*This is a messy "poem" that will most likely make no sense to anyone but me. I am sorry about that. Ij ust needed to write it.