Monday, April 9, 2012

For my beloved blog/chat family. We can all do better!

I don't know what to say. Maybe it will come to me as I write. All I know right now is that people are getting hurt and keep getting hurt on the chat. It's happening to EVERYONE: Not just the people who are directly involved. Innocent people come in and are made to be involved when they don't want to be.

My thoughts on this from what I have seen and observed over time is that sometimes we are all mean and cruel to one another.

Some people on here like to debate. But it's mean to debate with a person who comes on and is already frustrated with things in their life and just wanted to be with friends and share and be heard. I feel it is pretty careless to start a debate with someone like that who is needing compassion and a listening ear. It takes them by surprise when a debate starts or his/her pain is turned into an “opinion.” Then when their pain is measured out against that of the world (example, by saying that people in Africa are starving and homeless). While that is true, why are we making some one in their teens feel bad about feeling bad? You are implying that they are being selfish and making them take responsibility for HUGE world problems that they didn't start nor can they take o n by themselves. I don't wanna hear that you are trying to give them perspective. That can come later. Why not just LISTEN and UNDERSTAND? It's what you would want when dealing with hard things. Many of you HAVE gotten that from each other here. ALL of you are capable of great things but I tell you that it all begins with being humane to one another in the most simplest and easiest tasks. Listening and understanding. You may not always agree with some one. But remember, you are not that person. It is wrong to judge how they should feel. I have seen some one go through something, get sympathy for it and then they move on. Yet when some one else goes through something the same, that person who got the sympathy is not debating that other person, provoking them, giving them EVERYTHING but a listening ear, compassion and understanding. We don't have to solve the problems of others. But as friends and humans, we can be a shoulder for them to be strengthened and that only happens when some one is listened to and understood. No wonder things get worse. Of course a person will get angrier when misunderstood, not listened too. I know I have. Have seen some of the older ones do that too.

As for how there are bigger problems in the world, again YES! There are. But don't demean any one because of it especially a young/younger person then you/ We can only get stronger if we stand together in understanding. For me, I can become stronger and I can learn by myself once I have seen that I am not alone because some one took the time to be kind and understand me. Would you not feel stronger too? Am I so different then you?

Once we are stronger and have become confident and overcome that which has previously hindered us, we can have the strengthen and confidence to tackle those bigger problems. We will be stronger cause we know we are not alone and we have had been given understanding and help and now can give it to others. How can a person who is robbed of such things give to others when they are empty of this? This is not a debate folks. There is a time an place for debates. It's best when both people are who eve ris involved is in agreement to do a debate,. Quite springing debated up on younger unsuspecting people who need a lightening ear and understanding. (and for any age really)

I want to bring up Venice another chatter. Some have had problems with her. But she is the only one to say that she has been wrong in the past ans is sorry for it,. I don't see the same courtesy being returned to her. She is not a bitch. Nor is she an anything negative, anymore then the rest of you are. In fact her mind is brilliant and she is a person who defends others. All of us can be bitches or ass holes at times. When we focus all on one person it is cruel and unfair. You forget the good in the person. Aquila, Dragona, Ven, Pink, Flame, and myself are just some of the people who have been slandered. I am not saying no one should get upset when they are wronged. Just be careful of what you do when you are angry. Each situation is different ans should never be generalized just to make someone feel better. Sometimes both parties (or who ever is involved) are wrong. Sometimes only one is wrong and one is right. Should the one who is right be made to feel wrong just to be fair to the one who is wrong? Where is the justice or kindness in that? The one who was right was just brought low.

The thing is, each of us need to remember something. It's hard in the heat of anger. I know cause I have had to wrestle with it. Some of the people you are angry at are younger then you. Even if they are right in being angry they should not take it out o n anyone. But some times a person just needs to rant and not be stopped. I can't ask anyone to understand this. But for me I do. I know the extreme pain and frustration and grief of some things that are agonizing. You may want to point out that people go through worse things then me but I will tell you that I my pain is great enough and to hard to bare at times. I need not tell you what it is. Just know that I know what it's like to go off the depend and be alone and rejected even more. I have let myself become a punching bag for some because of this. I will never ask anyone else to d that cause this involves a deep understanding of the other person's agony and some may not know what it is like.

There si some bulling going on the chats. People doing that should stop. I know some of you are hurting and have not only not gotten the help you needed from those who you trusted and believed in, but you have had to endure those debates and opinions people like to throw at you and there is that subtle ridicule that some people do. I deal with that and more at my house where I live. But getting angry and”punishing” these people or taking “revenge” will not hurt these people but you yourselves. I have learned tat from experience. The hurtful people usually take pride in themselves and won't ever admit to hurting you even is you were there in person and bleeding. Somehow people believe their own lies about such things. I suggest leaving for a bit and going to a place to rant. Write stuff down and hopefully there will be at least one person who you can trust to not further harm you and just LISTEN to you and understand. What ever you right about or rant about, make sure you don't use it to fuel as a weapon against the one who hurt you. That will do no one any good. It will make things more sad and horrible. It's really hard not blow up at a person when wronged and then wronged again. Some people may never change form being a hurtful person.

There is another chat open for people who need space yet want to be in access of others. It was agreed by some that this would be a refuge for people who needed it. It is not for anyone else to set a time for that person for how long they should be on or what they can say on it. That is being controlling. Also just because you may not understand why a person is there does not mean a person does not have a reason. They do and it's important. If you can't understand, well, I hope in time your capabilities to understand will become better. In the meantime. Relax. No stressing. Give people the time they needed

we are more then just letters on a screen or paper. I have said this before. Why is this form of communicating being viewed so lightly and not important is bewildering to me. It has been said by scholars and many others for a long time at how powerful the written word it. Letters by post have always endured one t o another because of the bond forged in writing. Communicating by writing letter, emails, and chat are very effective and often a person gets to know another in a shorter more deep way then if two people where in the same room together talking. I am more then letters on a screen. I am a human being who feels deeply and cares deeply and who is deeply flawed. I am taken far too lightly as it is. But when I am serious in my writings how ever they come, I hope it will be more then words to those who read it, (my blog family) but a connection that you will relate too. I am a human being.

Bye the way, when I say you (as I write this) I am not speaking directly to “YOU” the reader or to any one person. Just really tired and trying to get some thoughts across and help those who said they needed help.

I have been both the person who has been hurt and the person who hurt:on the chats, blogs, and in my owe blasted life. (you guys and Octa, especially Octa, are the only good things in me life. I want to do what I can to help you all). But you all have to be honest with yourselves too. You may be able to fool yourself but you can't fool everyone. I live with both my parents and have had enough junk from m y parents. I have a hard time when some people act like them. You are all better then that.

I will beg you all. PLEASE NO MORE NAME CALLIN, POINTING FINGERS, OR CONTROLLING OTHERS! PLEEASE! Don't make me choose between you cause I can not and will not. Please don't hurt each other anymore. This is all for now. I feel like collapsing.

OK. This is an add on. Something to concider. In my life before I met you all some of the worse things in my  life had happened. SOme of you know a bit of it. I don't want to discuss or share that info with those who di not et know. What I wanted to share was how I had to endure one of the things I feared and dreaded most of all. Despite  being a person who obeyed the rules, respected those in authority,(even when I was mocked, ridiculed and frustrated and confused) I found myself the object of unfavor with people from all sides. I had been gaineged up unjustly before. This was so much  a higher level then that. it has scared me for life. I can move on but I am so wounded. I wish I could be un derstood and not fear that I will have to beg for you t obelieve me or understand. BEcause in those moments, (ther were many and long days) I stood   b y myself and had no defenses. No one really helped or guided me. I fell so far. Meeting all of you has been wonderful. Even despite the bad times. We can all gte through that and I see so  much wonderful things in each of you. Things that I love but don't see in those who I live with.
But what I I hoped would never happen to me did on the blogs too. I was placed in a situation just like I did in real life. This time I did have a handful of people who truely loved me (or seemed too) But they all had been gone from chat for a while. I was  on my own. All I did was express myself in a way I rarely (it was not wrong) do but in a way that others on chat do daily. I was lectured and then to my shock misunderstood. My attempts to be understood did not work. My nightmere was happening again. Trying to keep calm (but failing) I tried to appeal to others to help convay what I was feeling. I thought surely someone would understand. I tried to send proof of what went down because my mind was shutting down again and I could not trust myself to explain it rightly. Also, I wanted  to make sure people knew I was not making things up. I never had someone just believe me but have had to show some sort of proof of what I say is how an event whent down,. Not just some pome point of view. Having what I say being so easily disgarded because some one wanted to view me as a person who only sees things one way is damaging. I do think of  the other person. It's the oppiste for me though. I have lived it to many times. I am alone. Not by choice. I even fight to be undestood when it should be a simple matter.
But the misunderstandings got worse.  Again, not having the skill to come across as I mean, someone thought I wanted others to gain up on the people who had gained up on me. All I wanted was understad ing and support. But I was alone, misunderstood, treated as I did wrong when I did nothing wrong. I was called a bitch and some other things. People talked about me mean behind my back while I was doing a lousy job of trying to just be  understood. It  made me feel more alone then ever and once again I questioned for the one millionth time, what the heck was so wrong with me that such basic rights and understanding is not only with held from me, but I am made to bare responsibilities and am alone? Even now I think it is to much to hope that anone will understand. I think by now you all should see why I am such a fail. The only one who helped me and stood up for me   (because he was around. I know ithers would have too) is Hellboy. I have never been given such a gift like that. Being completely understood and not only did he not leave me or explain away others behavior (cause that does not help and misses the point) he was angry for me. I WAS NOT ALONE ANYMORE! The relief and graditude I have for him will last forever into eternity. So many people, at best are defending the other person who has hurt me and was not alone in being unfairly against me. (and yes, I am being objective when I say this. For I knwo when I am wrong, I do concider. But I also know when I have been unfairly treated and have had to bare it alwasy alone) No one ever siad sorry to me and that yes, they do stuff like that too (for what i was and should not have been lectured  ror treated so carelessly) and when they do it it was just part of normal chat nad ok. Despite the incredible hurt of this unfair treatment here. I have gone on and have not used it against anyone. It was used against me and it should not be used against anyone. I share this because I wnat to make sur e you knwo I was hurt very badly in mor ethen this situation. No one except Hellboy stood by me, not to gain up on people, but to hold me up. THAT is all I ever wanted,. To be u nderstood and not alone. I did not get an apolidy but gave one instead. The view agaisnt me remained unfairly rigid and not one word that I said on my behalf was listened to or believed. If they had understood me, then the unfair rigid view they had would have not been there.
Some of you may not ever get apoligies for being hurt. I did not. I give them instead. It is not for anyone to demand an apoligy even if they are owned one. Demanding from a person will make things worse. For that very event I just described, something else happened that I didn't want to happen.  Another person was gained up on. They may have hurt other people and refused to listen to that, but making anyone feel like an outcast was not the way to go. I was not with it when that happened. I felt weak, dissy, and tired. I could see it startng too happen though and reached out with a hug, was rejected, then my overture of friendship was completely ignored. After that I just wanted to go away I was so dismayed. Later I was held acountable for all that  happened to that person. I marveled at how some people don't have to say or do anything but can get some one to stand with them just like that. Even if they have hurt and never been sorry. On many leavels it was u nfair to me. But it was also wrong that this person was made to feel that way, even if they brought it on themselves. As a person who has had to stand alone to many times in the worst of situations, I did not want that to happen to another. Many of you will most likely not believe me in this.  But it's  the truth. It is really quite a strange thing to thik that if anyone where to hurt me that anyone would care enough to say, hey, that's wrong. Stop that. Most liekly what would happne and does is that I will be lectured and told that I need to  understand the other person and so forth.  (again, THANK YOU  HELLBOY  for being there!)
But now with other things happening on the chat, I am being talked to as if I should take sides with people. Consider what I have just shared with you all. When I was treated shabbily, then further misunderstood, then  made to bare the blame for every thing,  I still kept  coming on. Even when I was s o tired of it all, (life in genreal and the pain of being alone everywhere) I wanted to go to sleep and die. I will go on and I won't take side. I will understand where you are coming from in  your complaint. But if you call someone a name or wish harm or death on another person I will NOT stand for that. >:(
But neither a should person be hounded and provoked worse when they are already upset. Sometimes when others are screaming at us it's OK to just be sileant. Can't we look beound ourselves for a moment to see that this personis so much in pain they are screaming? Forget about the right and wrong of it for just a moment. Relax your panties and just be quiet and compassionate.  Let the person get to a place on thier own where they can feel better then later apoligies themselfves once they have  come back to thier sences. If they don 't apoligies and quite private chats are not working, move on.  But if it is so bad, don't talk to each other at all.  NO MORE GAINING UP ON PEOPLE! PLEASE.  I do care about you all. I  won't stand agains anyone though. I will stand with you, hear you out and try to help you with that.  I know how it feels to be made alone. Don't want it to happen to anyone else.


  1. Kal, I know I believe you in what you say. You arent the kind of person to make things up. And you should never e blamed for something that isn't your fault. You shouldn't feel alone. *hugs*

  2. *hugs NJ tightly* Thank you sweetie. I don't want for anyone here to have to feel alone either.
    Thanks for being so awesome!

  3. From the amount of words you wrote and the feeling you put into them, you should be a philosopher. Or a scholar. Or whatever the hell people can do with these words. It truly brought tears to my eyes and I was some truth in everything that's been going on. And I think if other people see this as well, they might find some truth in it as well (And I'll punch someone in the face if they don't).

  4. This. Everything you said. Just...this. It's so true. It's so right. It really clears up your view and gives you a new perspective on these things.

    *hugs Kal tight*

    Those things should not have happened to you. I am always amazed at how you seem to bounce back each time. I would never be able to do that. I love you, sweetie. Thank you for posting this. I hope everyone will read this and understand, finally.

  5. What you have said here is true. It can give a new perspective, a perspective that can see how someone else feels, and what you can do that is in everyone's power to support them. I am amazed at how resiliant you are, Kal, and for that I respect and admire you greatly.

    I know exactly what it can be like in the heat of anger. I have said many nasty things when anger took hold. For words that have hurt that I am intentionally aware of, or maybe not, I am sorry. 'Sorry' is just a word somebody uses when they accidentally trip someone, or if they have failed in some way, but nowadays 'sorry' is used so carelessly the meaning diminishes. But when you actually FEEL sorry, you can understand it's true meaning. And when I say sorry I truly mean it.

    *Hugs Kal* I do not want you to be sad, upset or angry. I want NOBODY to feel this way. So I am thankful for you posting and clearing things up. I love you, and greatly admire and respect you. I try to be like this for everybody, and sometimes it can be hard. But for a positive and optimistic person like yourself, respect comes easily.

    Thank you for posting. This has so much emotion in it, and so much meaning, I can understand. As Thalia said, I hope everybody can read this and understand that we are not just words on a screen, we are, In fact, people with our own problems and emotions.

  6. ...Um...

    I'm not the most emotional of people, but I respect and admire the amount of heart you put into this.

    I wish you, or anyone else, didn't have to suffer. But on the bright side of this without the pain there would be no joy.

    I can understand that not having an ear to listen can be one hell of an annoyance. I deal with that all the time. Or with advice. No one ever listens to me, but then they always say that they wish they had after they make the mistakes I had warned them about. I suppose though that we all need to learn by our mistakes. (I prefer to go by others. Making the mistake myself is too bothersome, but it does still happen. Obviously).

    I just think that it is important to try and be courteous to others, to try and understand their situation, but for the other person to try and do the same as well.

    Some people will be rude and try to say that the sufferance of one isn't enough to equal that of the sufferences of others. Some people try to give pain a price. Sometimes it is because they themselves are trying to cope with theirs by saying that it's not so bad. It could be worse. And they try to make that statement more of a truth by broadcasting that belief. Some truly think that comparing what seems to be a smaller problem to a bigger one will some how make that person feel better.

    And others still will try to give their opinion on the matter but a debate sparks when ideas on how things should be clash. (This probably sounds horrendeously childish, and idiotic. Forgive me for this. That is all I ask).

    I'm also the type of person who shuts down when there is too much emotion in things. My poor analytical mind can't take it. Emotion isn't all that scientific. I mean it kind of is. Like fear is a danger response mechanism controlled by your Amygdala to keep you out of harm's way, but... I'm babbling.

    I know you wrote this a few days ago, and I'm sorry of took me this long. I also apologize for how late that second chapter of my story is. I'm working on it, I promise, but I've just been so busy with projects, school, stuff at home, school....I'm not a big fan of school. Too many people, too much talk about nothing all that important. Too much bloody talking. There is no peace, there is no quiet there is no time to think. Gah! I'm driven half mad before the day is out. It's exhausting. Then you get home and people want to talk. Why do we have to talk. I don't mean to be rude but I need time to think or I'm going to have an emotional breakdown...

    Okay. Slightly off topic. Again, my apologies. So... With any luck, I'll have that next "chapter" up either later today or tomorrow. I hope.

    Blessed be,
    Miss Mary Hiashi


  7. Wow. I don't know anything about the chatrooms you keep mentioning, but I understand what you're talking about. I've wanted to say many of the things you have, but I doubt I could have said them all as kindly as you have. I'll just keep this comment short and say a couple things.

    First, you're completely right that it's wrong to use examples of "greater pain" to downplay anyone else's pain. I heard the following said by the creators of Avatar: The Last Airbender (that sounds kind of nerdy, doesn't it?): "The end of the world is relative to you," or something like that. It's true. Just because you might not have the same KIND of pain as the starving people in Africa, doesn't necessarily mean you don't have pain of a similar degree. If being shunned is YOUR version of pain, or if anything else is YOUR version of the end of the world, no one can tell you you're wrong, and I'm sorry that happened to you. Downplaying your pain is sort of like being in denial and doesn't help you recover at all. I know, however, that's it's actually somewhat hard to take your own pain as seriously as you should. I mean, I've known for years that real pain is never "too small to matter," but I still tell myself all the time that I am such a wimp for crying over "stupid, little things." So...take your pain as seriously as anyone else's. Easier said than done, but I wanted to concede with you on this issue. =)

    Second, I know how it feels when you don't expect anyone will come to your aid. That's how I felt when I got sick over the spring semester, and man, was I surprised when people did come to my aid. Once again, I know this is easier said than done, but even though you may not always be able to expect help will come, don't ever think you're not worth it. Because you're obviously terrific and brilliant and totally worth it, Kallista. =)